The Grief of Rejection, 3.30.25

 


Grieving for my dad and having the grief for my estranged son hit me smack in the face again has kind of sent me into a tailspin this past week. I haven't slept through the night since the day of my dad's memorial service on March 22nd, which is also the first time I've seen my son since 2021.  This post is pretty selfish on my part because I have to get it out of my head and into a space where someone might hear me. (Fair warning in case you want to swipe this page closed before reading on.) 

 So, if you aren't familiar (I sincerely hope you aren't) let me tell you how the grief of estrangement feels:

It's waking up and thinking everything is good, then remembering you are always/still without your child and the literal, physical ache in your heart and gut takes your breath away.

It's the ruminating over every word or every act you ever made towards them that may have caused this. 

It's the feeling of guilt and regret causing the heat to rise up in your body when you land on something that you know hurt them. 

It's people asking how many kids and grand kids you have and not knowing what number to give them.

It's the agitation you feel on their birthday because you decided not to continue chasing them, so you don't send them a birthday message and then you feel guilty for not sending them a birthday message. 

It's always looking for their license plate when you are driving because you don't know what their vehicle looks like but you know what their license plate says. 

It's naming beneficiaries for your retirement fund and not knowing if you should include them.

It's trying to decide if you should put pictures of them in your house along with the other kids and then decide to just put one in your closet so you are the only one who sees it. 

It's wondering if this hurt is some kind of karma for the hurt you've caused other people. 

It's seeing them at your dad's memorial service  and wondering whether you should make eye contact and  realizing at that moment how wrong that seems. 

It's the embarrassment and shame you feel when you have to explain to someone that your own child has rejected you. 

It's not knowing your grandchildren and them not knowing you.

It's wondering if the estrangement will ever end and the anger, anguish, sorrow, etc. knowing that you may always have to wonder. 

It's knowing that all of these feelings have been your world for nine years and then recognizing how strong you have been.

It's knowing that to continue on, you have to continuously and purposely seek out the light in your life. 

Be Strong. 

~ Juli 






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